A Guide to Breaking Your Computer

Today, I’m going to teach you how to completely obliterate your computer. Some of you might already know some of the techniques in this guide, and may have practiced them by accident. I’m going to give you a lesson in transforming your computer from a technological marvel teeming with life into a pile of metal as useful to your daily life as a chunk of coal.

Don’t Call For Help! Do It Yourself!

Who needs the IT guy when you got hands and you know how to breathe?! Open up the computer’s case and just fiddle around with it. Go ahead! You know better than that IT guy; he’s going to suck your wallet dry anyway! This is your time to shine. Who needs that “System32″ folder anyway? For the best chances of success, call up that guy that keeps telling you to type “format c: /x” into the command line.

Yeah, that guy.

What Does This Button Do?

Start pressing “OK” in every single dialog window that comes up. Click “Next” in every installation. Don’t you dare ever click anything negative like “No” or “Cancel.” Remember what the movie “Yes Man” said about being negative? Your goal today is to say “Yes” to every opportunity that presents itself.

Saying "Yes" to everything turns you into this successful guy. He has a suit. Therefore, he's successful!

Who Needs an Antivirus?

Remember that free registry cleaner that promises to instantly cure all your computer’s problems? Download it! Install the application. If your computer doesn’t turn on anymore, you have prematurely broken it before the guide even finished. Congratulations! You have surpassed all my expectations.

This is what I imagine whenever I see those registry cleaner ads with all those colorful lights and spammy text.

“Cleaning” the Monitor

If your monitor’s too clean, you always have motor oil. Perhaps you want to be a bit more inventive… For a more creative edge, use something like lemon juice mixed with oregano. Then put some duct tape on the monitor and yank it off… 100 times…

Don’t forget to tie your USB cables into cute little bows before plugging them back in.

Give Your Computer a Sip

Remember, while drinking, your computer might be thirsty, too. Always set the drink in an area over the computer’s tower near the edge of the table. If your computer’s tower is incarcerated inside your desk, move it to the right or left of the desk to allow it to ask for a drink whenever it wants. Trust me, it will happen on occasion.

Even better, you can open the optical drive tray on your computer and use it as a cup holder while watching a movie. It works better when you make it hold your beer.

If the Computer Still Doesn’t Die…

You can always do the following: Mix cement and sand at a 1:1 ratio. Add water until the solution becomes a thick paste and pour the solution into the computer’s tower. Allow for 24 hours until the solution finishes curing.

Who ever knew that computers can be made from concrete?

Note

This article was for entertainment purposes. Under no circumstances should you take anything mentioned in the body of this article seriously. If you do, send pictures so I can laugh, too!

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