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It’s a whole new world since the Internet was first invented back in the 60s by Al Gore DARPA, part of the Department of Defense. It’s 2012, and you’re ready to start fresh and ditch your old broadband connection and opt for some super-high-speed fiber optics so you can download porn faster so you and your family can enjoy the benefits of the free and open Internet without having to fight each other for speed. But, boy, are you in for a surprise! Just like those girls you always see in magazines, “It ain’t what they advertise.” I guarantee you that you’ll fall victim to at least 3 of the following 10 things that your Internet service providers (ISPs) will neeeeeeeeeeever tell you unless you ask them with a gun pointed at one of the precious bobble heads they keep on their desks.

#10: ISPs Chain You To Their Modems

Chances are that if you are going to use an ISP, especially a cable ISP, your modem will be a company-issued proprietary piece of crap. First of all, it won’t handle multi-source traffic very well and will probably be a cheap generic Chinese brand. The modem will most likely have a chip on it that screws a bit with the packet headers or even the handshake involved in connecting to the ISP. This means that if you switch ISPs, that old modem won’t be compatible with the new ISP’s services. It’s kind of like how some cellular service providers give you proprietary phones that are compatible only with their own services.

#9: Premium Support

While few ISPs still do this, there are still a number of them which will charge you something like $1 per minute to use their “convenient” 24-hour 7-day-a-week 365-day-a-year premium support services. Often times, they’ll take advantage of the fact that there are protocols involved in resolving issues. Let’s say one of the lights of your modem blinks yellow and you don’t have Internet. They know what’s wrong, and the solution to the problem, but they’ll still ask you to do a bunch of things – sometimes things involving a butcher’s knife, a live chicken, and an altar – to “figure out” what’s wrong. This is called stalling the customer, and inflates their pockets. I heard of cases when it would take an entire ten minutes for the tech support person to “realize” that the customer’s Ethernet cable came loose.

#8: Cross-Over Limitations

Let’s say you’re downloading a file from a website hosted in Singapore, and you’re living in the USA (this is true anyway, for most visitors here). You’re crossing over from your own ISP’s “jurisdiction” into another ISP’s network, perhaps several times. The point where you cross over outside of your own ISP’s network is known as an exchange point. Some ISPs have to pay the recipient ISP money for crossing over into their network. Do you think that it would make your ISP happy? Hell no! So, there’s a policy that involves keeping your downloads within your ISP’s network as much as possible.

#7: ISPs Forget to Mention IMAP

Some ISPs truly don’t have an IMAP server, but those who do usually don’t mention this to you. Talk about a major hiccup! Let’s get this straight. POP servers (the alternative to IMAP) delete an email from the server once it reaches your computer. Guess why ISPs “forget” to mention IMAP? Let’s just say that they aren’t really ready to commit the few dollars it costs (not per month, but for life) to store your emails on their servers. With third-party emailing services, who needs ISP email anyway? Just don’t rely on your ISP’s email servers and you’ll be fine. While we’re still in the subject of email…

#6: ISPs Don’t Care About Spam

ISPs might not love spam, but they don’t really care about it. Sure, their email service might come with some fancy-schmancy “spam blocker,” but it’s just another way of saying, “Yeah, I tried, now let me continue watching my soap opera.” Some ISP spam blockers do nothing. In fact, an ISP would blacklist or interrupt the service of any known spammer if it really wanted to block one. I’m not exactly sure why they’re reluctant to combat spam, but it probably has to do with the fact that only a small percentage of Internet users really use their own ISP for email services. In fact, many ISPs even stopped offering this in their packages.

#5: Bandwidth Throttling

Bandwidth throttling is that “oh, so convenient” thing that ISPs have been getting into lately. Let me show you how it works: In your vicinity, you and your neighbors connect to one central router designated by the ISP for that area. That router can handle a certain amount of traffic. The problem is that, during the peak hours, this router struggles to keep up with the strain that all the customers put on it. After realizing this, ISPs have put a cap on how much bandwidth everyone has, so that no single person would drop from the Internet while this giant wave of data streaming goes on. Do ISPs tell you at what times they are throttling? It seems not, and many ISPs throttle you continuously, even at late hours of the night. There are always questions you can ask your ISP to tell if they’re going to throttle you.

#4: ISPs Lie on Speed Tests

You’re probably thinking, “No way!! My ISP luvz me!” Buddy, your ISP is cheating on its exams all the damn time! When you perform a speed test, more often than not, your ISP will detect that you’re attempting to test its wits, and gives you a temporary high-priority bandwidth burst that allows you to see some huge numbers. Many ISPs are guilty of this, and none of them will be straight up about it.

#3: The Further You Are, The Weaker Your Internet Connection

When getting a new kind of DSL line, even VDSL, you’re going to have problems with your Internet connection if you do not live close enough to the central router that relays signals via fiber optics through the network. The speed you get on your contract is only the maximum speed at which the ISP will provide you Internet with. Sometimes, it doesn’t make a difference if you choose a 6- or 12-mbit contract. You’re still going to get 4 Mbits if you live far enough from the router. Sorry, folks!

#2: ISPs Can Police Your Current Data Exchanges (If Big Brother Wants It)

As soon as ACTA came into law, it automatically forces ISPs to look through your data. Of course, that’s bad news for both the customer and the ISP, so don’t point the finger at the ISP on this one. Still, the service provider you choose will give you the Braveheart speech, saying that they’ll protect your data and what not. Don’t believe the hype. Your data is going to be watched every minute of the day if the government deems it necessary. They don’t even need a court order anymore to do that, either. And while we’re talking about privacy…

#1: ISPs Can Store Your Browsing History

Divorce attorneys are going to love this: Your ISP can actually store all of the private browsing history of any customer. Legally speaking, it’s only possible through mandate, but the FBI is also pushing for a law that will make this compulsory, for everyone, with any history that goes back two friggin’ years! And even if ISPs don’t do this, web servers can collaborate with agencies and do it themselves, tracking down every single time you’ve been over to visit the website. This doesn’t apply only to criminals, but could apply to anyone.

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