My Completion of the Logitech Product Survey: Yes, I Actually Submitted This Garbage

In an attempt to either boost its own ego or waste my precious time, Logitech decided to bust out with a survey on my screen, just as I was about to attend to my business and get to work. Suddenly, it dawned on me: Hey, why don’t I make my survey submission entertaining and show all of The Tech Guy’s fans what I submitted? Heck, that’s not a bad idea. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, and I’m sure you’re all dying for the next piece of boring material I have to show you. Unfortunately, this is my moment of self-indulgence, in which I force you to watch what I’ve submitted in a survey that’s punishing me for purchasing one of their Cordless Desktop MX5500 Revolution keyboard/mouse sets by wasting my precious time, time that would otherwise be used browsing 9gag or lighting my hair on fire again.

Here’s the light-hearted survey I submitted to Logitech’s public relations team:

Just one more note: The results here were copy/pasted from my survey form, and later submitted. Logitech is actually reading this (and probably laughing their asses off now).

Product Name: Logitech Cordless Desktop MX 5500 Revolution

What do you like about our product?

It works, and has a cute screen. It also tells the room temperature, which provides a useful means for me to have an excuse to bitch about the air conditioner’s temperature. My wife absolutely loves it when I bitch about the temperature. Anything else?

What would you like to see improved?

I’d like the mouse to have super teleportation technology, letting me use it to teleport around the world. However, I’d settle for the ability to beat my neighbors to a pulp and gouge their eyes out. For that, it’d need to be out of a durable material that can be easily cleansed of any blood stains. Please consider this in your next product. I’d also very much appreciate the ability to heal cancer with the mouse. That’s all it’s missing, pretty much. Thanks for hearing me out!

Do you use the function or “F” keys: F1, F2, …F12?

Frequently (It was multiple choice, so I couldn’t write “I use the F5 key frequently to make sure that my computer still has Internet.”)

How important are the F keys for you?

Very important (Well, if I use them FREQUENTLY, like I answered in the above question, they have to be very fucking important to me, right?)

On what computer are you using your keyboard?

Desktop/Windows (Another multiple choice response… I wasn’t allowed to say, “I normally use it as a sexual accessory, so I don’t use it on a computer.”)

Would you be willing to answer more questions about your Logitech experience?

Yes (Here is where I doubt that they’d care if I answered “yes” or “no,” judging by the answers I’ve already given them)

How did you acquire your Cordless Desktop MX 5500 Revolution?

Other (Oh, me… Another multiple choice question… And this one doesn’t have a “Please specify” after I select “Other.” They would have loved to hear my detailed account: “I stole it from an old lady after ripping out her vertebrae.”)

Did you unpack and install the Cordless Desktop MX 5500 Revolution yourself?

Yes, I did it by myself. (Oh, my mom would be so proud!)

Where do you primarily use this product?

Other

Please specify.

In the sewer, below where all the people walk unsuspectingly, oblivious to the fact I am alive.

Who has been using or is likely to use this product on a regular basis?

Other

Please specify.

The cats also use this keyboard on a very frequent basis, perhaps more frequently than I do.

After you got your product, how long was it before you opened the box and set it up?

Minutes

Did you read the information outside the packaging? If yes, when?

Yes. Before I bought it.

Did you read the Quick Start Guide (manual)? And if yes, which best describes the moment you did so?

Other

Please specify.

Right after my cats beat the crap out of each other, I smacked one of them with the Quick Start Guide and it fell open.

Thinking back to the time when you first connected and installed your product, did you encounter any problems that made you feel like you needed help and support?

No.

I’m a…

Male

My age is…

18-24

I share my house with my…

Other

Please specify.

Breathing apparatus.

The approximate annual income of my household is…

I prefer not to answer this (There’s someone who frequents this site trying to figure out my income… You know who you are :P)

This is my first Logitech product.

No.

The survey continues, with a bunch of boring crap you don’t need to read.

After the end of the survey, the company felt the need to repay me. Their generous compensation for my lost time is depicted in the following image.