An Open Letter To Google Regarding YouTube/Google+ Comments

google-epic-failDear Google,

I f’ing love you. You know that. We’ve had a good run for many, many years. You’ve provided me with free services, and I’ve done jack s**t for you. I liked it that way. I think you liked it too. Heck, I even clicked on an occasional ad once in a while when I was interested, as “payment” for the almighty amazing piece of tech awesomeness you’ve become.

I remember the day when we first met back in 2001. I was doing an essay and I was too lazy to go to the library. I heard from some friend who had too much time on his hands that there’s this new awesome service called Google. “It will give you all the answers you want out of life, and it cures cancer,” he said, in those exact words. Awesome! I went to check it out and then discovered a whole new world filled with pictures of cats and boobs.

... or cats with boobs ...

… or cats with boobs …

The feeling was so amazing that it still has an impact on me. You never forget bad-ass discoveries like these.

As the days passed, you started providing emails for free. My reaction was something like: “Holy crap! 7 GB of storage?! Where were you my whole life?”

Then other products started rolling out, like Docs, Drive, Android, etc. Each one brought with it a massive burst of awesomeness to the power of infinity. My eyes almost exploded at the delicious candy you released every… single… time…

Then you came up with Google+. OK, so it was a semi-decent social network where I can actually follow people without them having to accept any requests. Anything I didn’t want them to see, I could share privately or among people in my own circles. The whole “circles” idea was a bit tough to get used to, but it was alright. It was working out a bit. But the truth is that I liked Facebook more. It’s not that Google+ sucked. It’s that it wasn’t worth a s**t. Wait a second…

This is NOT where I parked my car!

This is NOT where I parked my car!

In fact, Google+ was so sucktastic, that I used it only when I needed to. For example, when I’m trying to shove stuff I write at people, I share it on Google+ because there may be some weirdos who actually use the network, and they might like my content. That’s about as far as I went with G+.

Your API sucks. Seriously. How the hell can you not include a callback in your API that allows me to post my articles automatically as soon as they’re published? What is this, the 90s?!

It wasn’t until like 3 years ago (around the same time that G+ was released) that I realized that you owned YouTube. No kidding? I was pretty happy to hear that.

After a while, you started phasing out original YouTube accounts and only allowed new users to use their Google accounts to log in to the site. Not a bad move, since unification is highly necessary to keep the company working efficiently. It really wasn’t much of a peeve. After all, it’s your product. You might as well phase in your own account system.

But… Just recently, you decided to do something so retarded, that I thought you were seriously transforming into Umbrella Corporation. You forced YouTube users to use their Google+ accounts if they want to comment on the site. Was a principal Google account not enough? You had to force people to use a product that could only have come out of a frog’s anus? Even YouTube’s co-founder called you out and said something along the lines of: “What the f**k is this s**t?!” My reaction was something like this:

what-is-this-i-dont-even

OK. Anyone who does a little bit of digging will see I have had the Google+ integration since almost forever. That really was no issue for me. I really don’t mind it. But I’m speaking on behalf of other people who might not want to use Google+ for jack s**t. Given a choice, many of these people would quickly move onto another platform. And since you’re not a government, these people will eventually have that choice. It’s the beauty of capitalism.

There’s still a chance to redeem yourself, though. Why don’t you calm your finicky fingers just a little and let people comment on YouTube using their main Google accounts? There really is no reason to add Google+ into the mix. It does nobody any good. Not even you. Seriously, you’re already getting a ton of bad press. I’m talking to you like a buddy. You know, the kind that freeloads off of you and gives you living advice at the same time, then asks you for a beer. It can only serve to benefit you to get the turd (Google+) out of the punch bowl (YouTube) before the party starts smelling like fruity s**t.

turd-punch-bowl

Turds don’t belong in punch bowls, as proven by the above image.

As for me, I know what you’re trying to do and I don’t really care. My indifference, however, is overwhelmed by the inconvenience this presents to other people.

Also, I want you to remain at the top. Otherwise, who the hell am I going to freeload off of then? It’s too much work to research alternatives. You already tanked Google Reader because you do retarded things like that once in a while. Do you want your next retarded move to push people away from YouTube? What about Android?

Sincerely,

Some guy whose farts smell really bad, especially when they’re blown in YouTube’s headquarters.